It is interesting to be writing about my Fifty and Over Experiences. Especially, since I am almost 60. Well, I turned 59 three months ago. Does that count as almost 60?
Last year, around this time, I wrote a similar post. It is fascinating to go back and read my thoughts. Even though it was just a year ago. My perspective has changed, matured and I have much clearer view of what I want my life to be.
Before I tell you this intimate part of my life, I want you to know that my father-in-law always loved me like a daughter. I knew that. That is why I cared for him.
Last year at this time, my husband and I had a major change in our lives. We were caring for my 91 year old father-in-law. We knew at some point he would be our full responsibility, even though my husband has three siblings. It just is how life took a turn.
He was our responsibility twenty four hours a day. Even though he was living in a home care facility. We made sure he got out to do his shopping, get a hair cut, visit our kids and grand kids, update his I phone, get him to Dr appointments, taking his meds, etc… It was a heavy burden. One that seem to come quickly in our lives. You see, in our minds were are still 30s or 40s.
Before we knew it, he needed to live with us. Hospice was in our home 5 to 7 times a week. To say it was a joy, well, would not be true. He was cantankerous, demanding, fault finding, and down right an angry man. In turn, we still made sure he had every thing he needed. He had 3 full meals a day, baths, meds, fresh clothes and bedding, nurse visits and lots of talking to each other. He loved to talk.
As part of my Fifty and Over Experiences was fact that my husband was also caring for me (my seizures) and working full time. The stress that filled our home could not even be measured, it was SO high.
Losing a parent is hard enough without them being difficult. He was up every night, all night, He would sometimes sleep during the day, but when it was time to eat he wanted his meals on the dot. Hard, stressful and nothing I expected to experience.
I would pray daily, sometimes hourly for strength and guidance. I had never done this before, and he hadn’t either. The three of us were learning together.
There are things that the nurses can teach you, guide you and give you help with. They can counsel you and send you to group helps. They tell you signs to look for at “the end”.
When my father-in-law passed, it was a relief. It was peaceful. My husband and I learned how to “live again”. Dealing with our own everyday lives.
There are days that I feel guilty. Guilty for not caring enough, not being attentive enough, not being patient enough. When in reality, I did ALL that I could and beyond. I have hardly cried. That, in and of itself is hard. But, then I remembered a conversation with my husband’s aunt. She cared for my father-in-law’s brother for 15-20 years. Very similar situation to what we had dealt with.
As she talked to me, she said, “Meegan, I loved him with all my heart. I will love him forever. BUT, it was hard. I didn’t cry for more than six months. I was taking a breath, learning how to live again. After six months, I finally felt like grieving. My heart hurt. I missed him. And I cried.”
I then understood and now understand. I ‘get it”. So, if I am quiet, or need some “Meegan time”, this is where I will be… I am still waiting to cry, to hurt and to grieve. My husband is, too. Bless his heart. He has carried a lot of weight. Nothing anyone can/could understand. (except, maybe his aunt)
This experience is just one of the many facets of my life. One of the cuts that make my life something wonderful to appreciate.
These Fifty and Over Experiences are not for the faint of heart. AND, if you read my blog often you KNOW that I love life, my husband, my family and God. Like I said…This experience is just one of the many facets of my life. One of the cuts that make my life something wonderful to appreciate.
Thanks for joining me today to celebrate Fifty and Over…
For more inspiring stories and experiences look below…
Well, Meegan, you touched my heart tonight. I somewhat understand but not fully. God be with you and your husband and eventually I wish you only fond memories of you father in law.
gwingal
It sure has been a tough year for you Meegan. I hope that you can now find time for yourself, for your own healing and also time to grieve when you are ready.
Thinking of you my friend xx
Meegan, girl I can really appreciate the things you shared today and the fact that you were very honest about your feelings. Caring for a parent is HARD! We have to do things for them sometimes that we never dreamed we would do – very personal things. My FIL has Alzheimer’s and he is now in a care facility. My poor MIL is doing all the things you did but we help as much as we can from an hour away. We are constantly making emergency trips to the doctor or hospital, helping with financials, making calls and all of that. Still, nothing we do compares with what my mother-in-law does and she has her own aging challenges. We just have to love each other and hope and pray that someone will do the same for us one of these days. Dealing with all of that while also having your own seizures must have truly been overwhelming. I hope you and your husband feel good knowing that you loved and cared for your father-in-law to the very end. That’s the best we can hope for. ♥
I hope lots of people read this. Your honesty will give readers relief to know they are not alone in their frustrations and feelings. The truth is that sometimes it just stinks to care for someone you love.
Wow, what an incredible gift you gave. To yourself. Your husband and family. And your Father-In-Law. The love that it took to get through this, to do everything that you could, is incredible.
I think that each lesson we are given in life has a lesson rolled into it. Working through it and searching for the meaning is so important.
Your story touched me, and I hope that you are able to work through this, be proud of it, and know that you did a wonderful thing.
So very true, Meegan. That’s the great thing about life, we can change our perspective anytime we need too! Love your decor too!
Nobody warned me about how hard this part of life would be. Dealing with sick and dying parents. I guess it’s best that I lived in ignorance until time to live it. Hugs to you.
:) gwingal
Wow, what a difficult time you’ve both had and I think you should give yourselves credit for providing a loving and caring home for your F-I-L for those last years (especially when he didn’t show his appreciation). I think you deserve some time to yourselves to rest and recuperate and to breathe again. My father was a very selfish man and never had much time for us throughout his life, he had early onset dementia and before he passed away he didn’t know any of us any more – his passing was a relief and I know I didn’t cry at all. I feel guilty about that sometimes, but it’s hard to grieve for someone who was so distant for so long. Leanne | http://www.crestingthehill.com.au
Thank you for sharing that. I needed it. I taught for 31 years and as I was in my last year, my daughter got married, my step dad got cancer and died, my mother had fallen the year before and although she recovered nicely…she is not the person before. I had planned my life out so long…I can’t wait to retire, because I will do this and this and this…
Retirement did not bring any of that. It brought dealing with a lot of stuff. I know my parents thought they had everything in order, but the first year was down right miserable dealing with problems. Then my mom moved near me. She did the right thing as I am an only child and was driving constantly to see about her, but she hasn’t exactly been happy. All that to say…retirement didn’t quite turn out like I thought. Your story helped me this morning.
Wow, Meegan, you just never know what someone else is going through. I’m sure that was an extremely hard and stressful time. Just having someone live in your house like that is a strain, but when they’re difficult too…it’s such a burden. I’ve had similar situations, and I had a difficult time handling it. You’re starting off right…by talking about it. Unfortunately, it’s what many in their 50’s have to deal with…the care of aging parents. Appreciated your honest post.
Meegan thank you for sharing a slice of your life with us. I too had to care for my in-laws many years ago. Sometimes they are a pleasure and other times they become not themselves. It can be very stressful and yes there is relief when they have left us. We must also remember that they would not have been happy living a life where they have become a shadow of themselves. We all do the best we can and it is so hard being caught in the middle.
Oh what a beautiful story. Life is wonderful and horrible all mixed together!! I want to be kind and loving till the very end. I hope I will be. xo rachel
Being a caregiver is so hard and very emotional. Know in your heart that you did the right thing. And it is so important to take time for yourself. That is very important.
Meegan, I hope that you are taking time to breathe and care for yourself. You need time to heal the wounds and get back on an even footing.
What you did for your father in law was a gift, and you all were given the strength to complete it. Now rest, you deserve it.
Meegan, Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. I know how hard this can be, but it wasn’t my parents; it was my one and only sister. She had ALS and lived with my mother in Arizona and I lived in Michigan, but I was in a position where I was constantly flying back and forth and living with them for a few months. I’m happy to have met you through this blog hop, and fyi, I’m a good 10 years older than you!